Sometimes you look down the path, but all you can see is haze, a slight twist in the road, then nothing more. So much longing. So much that at times you don’t feel anything any more. You wonder what lies ahead, wishing that you knew the answers, even just the yes or the no. Just that would help. You think it would anyway.
You want to surrender what means the most to you, but you want it so badly. Do you have to surrender it? Truly? Do you? Please no.
How much more can be ripped away from a person? How much can one take?
And then you remember Job.
Please no Lord, don’t do this to me. I know it’s not the same, but don’t just keep ripping things from me.
I can somewhat see what you are doing, and it is ultimately more important than anything. And I guess I’m not good at learning things any way except for the hard way.
You want me to trust you.
I thought I did.
But you showed me I didn’t.
I liked the concept, but the reality was hardcore.
Like my worst nightmare hardcore.
I couldn’t swallow it.
I tried thinking of every possible way out.
Every. Possible. Way.
But none of them were the right way.
You showed me that Daniel followed you, even when it meant being thrown to the lions.
You showed me that Abraham obeyed you, even when it meant sacrificing his one and only son.
You showed me that Hannah gave her one and only son to you for his whole life, a man in charge that didn’t have the greatest record.
There’s something you are trying to do.
You know the end from the beginning.
I’ve got to trust you.
You know what you are doing.
Nothing can stand in front of you.
You want me and me alone.
So that I can have you and you alone.
I wish I could completely say yes.
That I’m ready.
That I’ve surrendered my life like that.
But I can’t.
I know it would be easier if I truthfully could say that.
Oh and man I wish I could.
But I can’t.
You know my heart even better than I do.
One thing still stands.
I hate to ask you to break it.
I don’t want to break any more.
I offer it to you.
Please take it.
Why is this so hard at times?
I know you are refining.
You are strengthening.
You discipline those you love.
What he’s trying to make you is unbreakable.
If he can build that foundation within you, if you will allow him, of just him and you.
Then afterwards, that is always what you will come back to.
That is what he’s trying to do.
It is painful, walking through the fire, starving in the desert, knowing that similar to what you desire is within your grasp, but knowing that God holds the key and the absolute plan of what he wants to make you.