Self Harm Gone Forever

Louise’s life shows that radical change for the better really can happen.

Greetings! My name is Louise Buhay and I want to share with you some of the incredible changes that have happened in my life. You will be amazed for sure!

Haunted with Fear

I became involved with drugs, drinking and promiscuity at the early age of 12. The drinking began because of ‘episodes’ I was having that kept me from sleeping at nights. My body would become paralyzed and I would see dark figures. They would torment me daily. I would drink enough to pass out just so that I wouldn’t have to deal with them. I didn’t know or understand what was going on in my life. I just knew it was bad and scary. I didn’t realize then what I know now, that they were demons!

Hating others – cutting myself

I was also a very depressed, hateful, angry and suicidal person. I hated everything and just about everyone and delighted in seeing others suffering and in pain. I was cruel to others and violent towards myself. I regularly sliced my own body parts with razors, broken glass from beer bottles and whatever else I could get my hands on. This was usually done in a crying fit of how I felt so alone and that no one understood or loved me. Then I would smear the blood on pages of a notebook and wrote horrible, wicked things that I wanted to do to others. I still have the scars on my body that will always remind me of where I came from. The self-harm, drunkenness, drugging and angry bitterness went on for many years before I had a major frightening experience.

The fear of hell

All I can say about that day is that I thought I had heard hell. It was so terrifying that I went with my dad to the evangelical church that he was attending. I ran up to the altar when they called and said the prayer that they asked me to pray. This was all because of my fear of going to hell. I was told that because I prayed that prayer, I had become a Christian. Little did I understand then that a person must desire to be changed before they can be born again and come to Christ.

I had no desire to change

I had no desire to either change or be changed at that point in time. Nothing changed in my life except the fact that I began to attend church. So there I was, still the same hateful, angry, drunken, sleeping around, completely self-centred, self-mutilating person yet calling myself a child of God. Oh, how distressing that was! I truly didn’t understand then that I couldn’t keep my old life and just attach Jesus to the side. Jesus must be my life not just a part of it.

The best thing I have ever done

Growing up, I was told of the story of Jesus and had heard of His death on the cross. The term ‘Jesus died for you’ was not foreign to me. I did know a little about the Lord but it wasn’t until I was 28 years old that I met the Lord Jesus Christ and finally came to know Him. All those years of living in deception in thinking I knew Him when I never really knew Him at all. But on that day, that marvellous, miraculous day, I came to know Him and everything changed in my life. Jesus changed me from the inside out. I came to the point where I couldn’t live in despair, depression and distress any longer. I gave up my life and gave it to the Lord. And wow, was that the best thing I have ever done!

Misery, hatred and bitterness replaced with peace, joy and love

My heart that was once filled with turmoil was now overflowing with peace! I was once laden with misery now I was bursting with joy! I was once full of hatred but now I was chock-full of love. I was once filled with bitterness but now I was full of bliss. The Lord God Almighty had given me a new heart! He came and did a mighty work in me. Who would have known that this could be possible? But with God all things are possible! He took the most hateful, corrupt, evil, vile, wicked soul and gave her a brand new heart! The result of my changed heart is a changed life! Praise be to God!!

Old things have passed away – all things  have become new

I truly know what the scriptures mean when they say, ‘Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.’ All things were new and the Holy Spirit began to work steadily in me. All those who knew me could clearly see the transformation and all praise and glory goes to the Lord Jesus Christ! I could never even begin to repay Him for what He has done in and for me. So, it delights my heart to want to obey all that He says for me to do. I know He will provide the strength when needed, the courage, the grace, the love and the mercy to do as He tells me. He always has given me those things in my times of need thus far and I know He is faithful! I can trust Him.

The grace of God

Shortly after this, my husband became a Christian also. The living evidence of what the Lord had done in me brought him to Christ. He too surrendered his life to Jesus in the realization that he also needed a Savior and a Lord in his life. I am so grateful to God for that! We began our journey with the Lord Jesus Christ many years ago and the grace of God sustains us and compels us to continue on in faith. The Lord has shown and taught me many things along this journey and I desire to share them with other sisters in the Lord. I pray that you may be encouraged, uplifted, challenged and blessed by what I have written. The Lord bless you.

I beg you

Please, I beg you, don’t live your life another day without truly knowing the Lord Jesus Christ. He can change your heart just as he did mine and can bring peace and joy into your life. There’s nothing on this earth that satisfies the soul like the Lord Jesus Christ!

Louise Buhay

Visit Louise’s website

Read Louise’s poems

‘What does it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul???’

The Reason (music video)