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The Woman Who Outran The Devil

Shirley has an amazing story of falling into a lesbian lifestyle, spending years looking for the right partner, and eventually finding fulfilment in Jesus and returning to conventional marriage.

The Woman Who Outran The Devil

From Bible College to lesbianism

During a year in Bible College I fell for someone of the same sex. Our relationship began on my graduation night from the Bible College. The connection was electric and threw both of us into a confused frenzy of guilt and giddy obsession. As Christians we knew this should never have started and the fear of God along with the remorse was torment in itself, but to be apart was worse.

I returned to my home town, to try to turn back the clock and get my life back on track. After a year, my friend came to my city and I was back in some form of heaven. Now I knew that God must have made me the way I was. Surely there had been some kind of mistake and I was a man trapped in a woman’s body?

I let go of my commitment to God. I knew I couldn’t pretend to have both. I was well aware that I was walking away from God’s will and over the next few months I can distinctly remember losing my joy as my laughter became hollow.

Trapped in an empty life

Once I had put my foot solidly to my new chosen path, my friend left me for someone else. I was more broken than I had ever been. By now I was convinced that I was born homosexual and that nothing could ever change me. The only hope I had was to find another soul mate.

I found myself drifting into the ‘scene’, first to the bars, then to the ‘girls club’. I ended up helping run this rough, brawling, city rat-hole. Then I went to Sydney, Australia with my lover at the time. By now I was fast becoming alcoholic and in Sydney there was rarely a day that I wasn’t ‘out of it’ on some sort of smoking material. When my relationship broke up, I had so little ability left to trust and love that I naturally fell into the pace of Sydney. I enjoyed as many casual relationships with women as I could. The thought of a relationship with a man was repulsive to me.

Later I returned to New Zealand where I tried to settle back into my old scene. Now living with my new philosophies, I went from one person to the next or tried to balance several at the same time if I could manage it.

One way out?

My life was becoming so empty that when I did meet someone who really cared for me I was unable to return that favour. I was a dead woman walking. I decided I might as well complete the picture and finish off the empty shell of my body. I wasn’t depressed, just clinically thinking of ending a pointless existence. After all, I was getting into my late twenties and could see an aging, lonely future ahead.

A last prayer answered

I prayed a last prayer:“Lord, I’m not sure now if you are even out there, but if you are, and if I can get back to you, please show me. I’m not expecting a neon sign, but just show me.”

That night I had a visitor, a long tall, lean guy called Geoff Day that I had known in my earlier Christian days. Geoff had been asked to come and see me as my sister and mother had suddenly after eight years, decided to phone a city church to try to help me. It was three weeks before Geoff felt confident to come and here he was, on the day I had prayed for my sign. I knew that if God was reaching out to me then I could make it.

That Friday I went to the gay pub I always drank at. I shouted some rounds of beer and went to several parties to say goodbye to everyone.

“Where are you going?” They all wanted to know.

“Back to God” was all I could say.

“You’ll be back. No one ever leaves just like that.” They scorned.

Sunday I went to church with Geoff and his family. I learned so much in the coming days and have never looked back from that day. It was hard in the extreme, but not impossible. God brought me through, even to the point of marriage to a wonderful man. I have been married now for over twenty five years and today I am an ordained pastor.

You can find Shirley's full story in her very interesting and readable book, The Woman Who Outran the Devil – Monarch/Lion.