After years of sexual abuse, Nikki felt like dying … filled with hurt, pain, anger and rage. Suicide seemed to be the only way out but he found he was wrong. There was another much better way out of the nightmare …
My childhood was not an ordinary one. I didn’t experience the love, joy and innocence of childhood. From the age of four, I was sexually abused by my cousins. I didn’t know it at the time. They would call it “Playing the Game”. Life went downhill from that point. I was now being raped by some other cousins. There were four of them in total.
Bullied and silenced
I was bullied at school being called all kinds of hurtful names. At the age of twelve years, I began to comprehend what was happening to me. I said to my cousins I was going to tell my parents but I was threatened and even choked one night. This silenced me and I did not speak out.
Becoming less and less human
I became a ‘living corpse’. I was cold. I was just an entity in a body. Nights on end I cried myself to sleep. I felt dirty. I would constantly bathe, trying to cleanse my body from their touch. I felt like someone had poured acid on me and it was eating me away daily, bit by bit, piece by piece. I was full of hurt, pain, anger and rage. Years past and the pain became stronger and stronger.
Was there a way out of the nightmare?
Nothing quelled the raging inferno burning inside me. Day by day, I was becoming less and less human. At the time, suicide seemed to be the only way out. It seemed to me to be the way to try and stop the pain. But I was wrong; there was another solution.
Calling out for help
One night I put a tape around my neck and I was going to strangle myself but something pulled me back. My teacher had told me about Jesus. I had nothing to lose. I had already lost the will to live and I was too tired fighting to survive. I was too weak from the daily battles. So I closed my eyes and prayed to Jesus. When I closed my eyes, I saw Jesus Himself standing in front a door with His hand on the door frame. Jesus grasped it tightly and was looking towards the sky praying. I said; “Jesus, I need you in my life. I cannot carry these burdens for they are too heavy. Come into my life and take them and wash my sins away.”
All the anger, hurt and pain vanished!
Then I saw Jesus kneel down in front of me and said “If you had called me earlier, I would have come.” I looked into His eyes and I cannot describe what I saw. They were so full of compassion, love, peace, joy and reassurance and, most of all, full of care and concern. He touched me, and everything just vanished. All the pain, anger, hurt, broken heartedness … everything just vanished immediately as if it had never happened! Jesus came and did it in seconds what I had been searching for all these years.
What Jesus did for me, He can do for you
I don’t know what all you have been through but I know what it is to be broken hearted, abused, alone and rejected. The thought that someone could get through all this pain sounds impossible. But I called out to Jesus and this is where the strength came from to accomplish this. I encourage you, if your burdens are too heavy and your legs have given up, give your life to Christ and He will come and heal you and make you complete.
I once thought that God had forgotten about me because He allowed this to happen but when Jesus Himself came to me and I looked into those precious eyes and saw His eternal love for me, I understood that He had to wait until I invited Him. He does not force us. Jesus loved me even with my pain and brokenness and sin and He was waiting for me to turn to Him.
Jesus … teaching me to love
Jesus taught me firstly how to love myself. (Before this, when I looked in the mirror, I hated myself.) Jesus then taught me how to forgive my transgressors whom I had hated. He then taught me how to love other people, just as He loves me.
I can say with certainty
I was bought up with Hinduism and Islam so I prayed to their ‘gods’ as these systems of belief instructed me to but nothing happened. I asked these ‘gods’ to heal me but they never came. I also tried to get healed with medicine but this failed as well.
That is why I could say with 100% certainty that Jesus is the True and Living God. In the past, I had refused to acknowledge Jesus but when I did, Jesus was so willing to come and heal me.
I have a reason to live
This is my story, my testimony of truth of the great works that Jesus did in my life. He can do the same for you. Invite Him in and accept Him as your Savior if you haven’t yet. He is all too willing to come and carry all your burdens as He always cares for all His people. Accept God’s gift of redemption today before it is too late.
I have a reason to live now. His name is JESUS.